I feel such a fool! How did I not realize that Donald J. Trump was the king of Festivus?
Festivus, for those who celebrate, falls on Dec. 23. The holiday was introduced to America by Seinfeld’s George Costanza’s father (played with great aplomb by the late Jerry Stiller) as an improvement over Christmas. (In real life, the father of a writer for the show came up with Festivus although some of the details were different.) For those who don’t celebrate, allow me to explain how much of Festivus explains Trump.
First of all, Festivus is a secular holiday. Trump believes religion — including the Ten Commandments (especially Thou shalt not steal, Thou shall not bear false witness, and Thou shall not commit adultery) — are for the suckers and losers. Here’s a man who cannot name a single Bible verse and thinks turning the other cheek is for —what else? — suckers and losers. “You can’t turn the other cheek,” Trump said in 2020.
In fairness, rejecting religion runs in the family. Donald Trump Jr. went even further saying, “We’ve turned the other cheek, and I understand, sort of, the biblical reference — I understand the mentality — but it’s gotten us nothing. OK?” He must mean monetarily, as Jesus’ message has been accepted by 2.4 billion people. But hey! The Trump Bibles have been pretty lucrative amongst the marks, so there’s at least that. And anyone who has seen the Bloody Christmas display knows how much Melania would prefer Festivus. She asked, “Who gives a fuck about the Christmas stuff and decorations?” Certainly not Melania! And she makes it clear, by dismissing the kids in cages, how much she embraces Christ’s commandment to look after the least of these.
Secondly, Festivus is celebrated with a pole. OK, in Trump’s case, he used to celebrate with a Slovene instead of a pole. Melania is now keeping her distance (who can blame her?), but with a Czech and a Slovene in his past, I’m sure Trump can snag a Pole for Wife No. 4.
Lastly, the centerpiece of Festivus is the airing of grievances. And you have to admit that Trump is nothing but a blast of grievances, a few real, most imagined. Yes, days can go by without Trump lashing out at real and perceived enemies, but they’re few and far between. In Festivus, the holiday ends when someone wrestles the family patriarch and pins him to the ground. But since Trump got Secret Service protection in 2015, who’s going to allow that? So the whining goes on and on and on. Consequently, Trump honors Festivus in his heart — or would if he had one — and keeps on kvetching all the year.
And now, for your enjoyment, a brief introduction to Festivus. See if you don’t agree with me once you’ve seen it.
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